Godly Submission: How to Have a Mostly “Functionally Egalitarian” Marriage (Part 3)

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What does godly submission look like in the context of marriage? In this series on why strong Christian marriages can appear to be “functionally egalitarian” (click here for part one and here for part two), I hope to challenge erroneous and unhealthy stereotypes of what godly authority and submission are in marriage and instead point to the beauty and goodness of God’s design for marriage.

To be clear, this series is not in any way promoting an egalitarian view of Christian marriage; rather, my goal is to explain why healthy complementarian marriages reflect Christ’s nurturing love for us in the love a husband and wife have for and give to each other.

Godly submission in marriage is inextricably connected the husband’s role as the authoritative head of a family.

In part two on godly authority, I explored the similarities between the mission of airline pilots and the mission of husbands and fathers, and when attempting to define godly submission in marriage we need to consider the mission God has given men as husbands and fathers in this world. In his article, “The Problem with Servant Leadership,” cultural critic and writer Aaron Renn challenges the popular servant-leadership model in marriage. According to Renn, this model asserts that men should be solely focused on meeting the needs and wants of their wife and children:

In these evangelical teachings, a man has no legitimate claims of his own he can assert, no legitimate desires or aspirations he can hold, no mission in the world to undertake. 

Renn observes that mission is fundamental to the nature of men, not only in marriage but in many other aspects of life as a man. In that context we shouldn’t be surprised when teaching that constrains men from valuing and pursuing callings beyond the parameters of marriage and family causes them to push back and even over-correct toward an unhealthy view of male headship that is heavy-handed rather than servant-focused. Godly submission and godly authority must co-exist in a marriage in order for the union to be a healthy reflection of Christ’s love for the church as Paul describes in Ephesians 5:25-31.

One of the missions of a Christian wife is to help her husband accomplish the missions God has given to him.

God has also given women their own specific missions; yet, just as is the case for men, not all women will have the same missions in their callings in this world. Some women will marry and some will be single. Not all women will have children. The apostle Paul is very clear that there are advantages to the single life for women, one in particular being that they can serve the Lord undividedly, unlike a Christian wife who needs to also care for her husband and children.

In marriage the husband is the head of the wife, and the wife is the helper to her husband (Gen. 2:20-24). The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and the wife is to respectfully submit to her husband:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Eph. 5:22-24)

This is a collaborative pursuit in which the husband and wife come together in marriage and establish a Christian household. And they may have children, whom they are to raise up in the Lord. As the helper to her husband, a Christian wife is called to care for her spouse and any children they have. A Christian wife also has a significant role in helping her husband succeed in all his responsibilities, including not only his work to lead, care for, and provide for the family but also his callings in the church and community.

Marriage can rightly be compared to a beautiful dance.

As Claire Smith points out in her book God’s Good Design: What the Bible Really Says about Men and Women, submission in marriage is meant to be something beautiful to behold:

But while they have different responsibilities, there is no inequality between them. Genesis 2 is no excuse for men thinking they are better than women (or vice versa!). Men and women may be different but it is not a difference of superiority and inferiority.

As one writer puts it: this is not the march of patriarchalism (where the man hammers out the beat) or the race of feminism (where the woman wins), but rather the man and woman are equal and with different responsibilities. In God’s good design, their relationship is neither a march nor a race, but a dance where the man leads and the woman follows, and yet together they move as one, in perfect harmony.[1]

Everything in the Christian life is meant to bring glory to God by reflecting God’s truth, goodness, and beauty in our thoughts, actions, and being, and this should especially be the case in a Christian marriage since the union between a man and woman in marriage directs our gaze to the church’s union with Christ. As the apostle Paul writes:

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Eph. 5:25-31)

Thus, when considering what it means for a wife to be submissive in marriage, we must always keep in mind that one of the main objectives of a husband in the exercising of his headship is to present his wife “in splendor” (v. 27) by helping her to become more and more conformed to the image of Christ and bear the fruit of the Spirit in all aspects of her life. A godly husband always seeks to love and care for his wife, his precious and beautiful bride, as they come together in marriage with the goal of always seeking to image the love of Christ in their union.

Godly wifely submission ideally takes place within the parameters of godly husbandly headship.

Along with Ephesians 5:25-31 quoted above, we also find the following Bible passages relating to godly submission and authority in marriage:

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:33)

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Col. 3:19)

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2:3-5)

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Pet. 3:7)

From the above passages we can readily conclude that godly wifely submission occurs in a relationship where the husband’s responsibilities include loving his wife (Col. 3:19) and being understanding of and honoring to her (1 Pet. 3:7). A wife’s responsibilities include being respectful (Eph. 5:33) and submissive (Tit. 2:5) to her husband.

These Bible passages are clear that biblical headship is not about bossing your wife around, controlling her, and forcing her submit to your authority; nor is wifely submission about going along with the tyrannical rule of a husband.

In a Christian marriage, both spouses are to seek to love and nurture one another physically and emotionally, to help each other grow in spiritual maturity, to encourage each other in developing their talents and using the resources God has given them to his glory. Husbands and wives are to help carry each other through the storms of life, being strong when the other is weak, being resolute when the other trembles in fear, being understanding when the other fails, showing the love of Christ in all circumstances. And they are to rejoice in each other’s successes, for these successes belong to both of them.

What does godly wifely submission look like in day-to-day life?

To be a good helper to her husband, a Christian woman needs a lot of honorable attributes, including a loving, compassionate, and unselfish heart, faithfulness, knowledge, godly wisdom, humility, a strong work ethic, and a joyful trust in Christ. Such traits are essential aspects of the splendor of a woman of God. A sense of humor is a wonderful attribute for anyone to possess, and a godly wife who knows how to express “a fit word rightly spoken” (Prov. 25:11) is truly a blessing to her husband, especially when he is battling depression or laid low from a recent setback of some kind.

There are countless ways a wife can be a wonderful helper to her husband, especially by serving their family to become a blessed realm where God’s beauty, truth, and goodness are seen and experienced. Just some of these ways include:

• being a faithful and loving companion to her husband, enjoying spending time with him in daily life, both as a couple and a family

• supporting her husband in his callings in the home and community and in his work to provide for the family, which may include her doing paid work of some kind to bring in additional income

• nurturing an environment of joy, peace, and rest for the family

• loving and caring for her household—meeting the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of the family both short and long term

• growing in biblical knowledge and wisdom so she can instruct her children well and give godly counsel to members of the family as needed, including humbly challenging her husband’s ideas when they are inconsistent with God’s word or wisdom

• learning practical skills that are needed to both raise a family and to be able to teach those skills to her children

• doing what she can to ease her husband’s worries and anxieties as he carries out his responsibilities in caring for the family

• pursuing her own interests, goals, and friendships as she has time, without neglecting family responsibilities, in order to bring balance to her life and equip her with the knowledge, insight, and experience she needs to be a godly wife and mother

These are just some general aspects of being a helper to one’s husband. In order to help well though, we need to understand each other’s needs. In their excellent book Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints, authors Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn write about the importance of active thoughtfulness in daily life as husband and wife:

Studying one another in marriage, getting to know each other, involves every aspect of life. It is a lifelong process. This is why we tell our life stories. This is one more reason why Christian couples should ask how they can pray for each other in the morning. This is why we do well to ask at the end of the day, “How was your day?” and to actually listen to the report. It is not simply to discover our to-do list or action points. It is part of a process of knowing each other.

The Bible recognizes this, indeed teaches us this, in the very vocabulary that it uses to describe one part of our marital relations. Newer translations of the Bible refer to husbands and wives “having sex.” Older translations refer to the same set of actions as husbands and wives “knowing” each other, which better reflects the Hebrew of the Old Testament. There is real significance to that phrase, especially in that intimate context. But whether speaking about the intimate or the mundane, knowing a spouse in order to serve a spouse is one of the most enjoyable, rewarding, and challenging gifts that we can give in a marriage. (pp. 35-36; Crossway)

While this aspect of “studying” people to love them well is something we should be doing in all our relationships, it is especially important to do in our marriages. Indeed, learning how to love our spouses well is both our calling and duty as husbands and wives. To have a duty is to have the opportunity and responsibility to glorify God in the particular vocation or responsibility he has placed in our lives. It is difficult to think of a vocation where a wife can have more influence—influence that can have a positive or negative effect in both this world and the world to come—than in the vocations she fulfills in the home as a wife and possibly a mother as well. It is important to remember that even when our duties as Christian spouses are burdensome due to the effects of sin and living in a fallen world, we can still have joy in fulfilling them out of our love for Christ.

A wife is called to submit to her husband, as long as she is not disobeying God in doing so, even when she doesn’t agree with him on a matter.

While marriage is a collaborative pursuit, the union between a husband and wife is not egalitarian in nature. As both the husband and wife are focused on loving and caring for each other, they will work together the best they can to make good decisions regarding how they are going to live as a family. If the husband and wife cannot come to agreement on a matter and a decision needs to be made, the husband has the final say. The wife needs to submit to her husband in his decision, as long as doing so does not cause her to disobey God (Col. 3:18; see also Acts 5:29).

Being a submissive wife, however, doesn’t mean a woman has to agree with her husband on everything. Submitting and agreeing may be two different things. Women have the right as image-bearers of God to have their own opinions, views, and convictions. Being submissive doesn’t mean a wife throws her brains, emotions, and conscience out the window and becomes some kind of mindless blob, repeating whatever her husband tells her to say. A husband needs his wife’s knowledge, intelligence, wisdom, and discernment to be a godly leader of the family.

And being a submissive wife doesn’t mean that a woman has to do everything her husband says, either. If a wife feels that her personal dignity is being trod upon or she or someone else is being sinned against in some way, she has the right—and the duty—as an image-bearer of God to stand up for herself or the other person and say, “No.”

Being a meek woman does not mean being a weak woman. A woman needs to have the courage as necessary to say to her husband, “That’s not right” or “I’m not going to do that.” There is nothing godly about a wife allowing her husband to sin against her—or anyone for that matter—and being okay with it. A loving wife always seeks the best for her husband, and that includes helping him to be a godly man in all things.

To be clear, a woman does not need to submit to every male but only to proper church authorities, her father while under his care, and her husband if married, and in all circumstances “as is fitting to the Lord” (Col. 3:18; see also Acts 5:29).

Women who find themselves married to unbelievers are also enjoined by Scripture to submit to their husband’s authoritative leadership, and such godly submission could even be influential in the husband’s conversion:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands. (1 Pet. 3:1-5)

We should care deeply about what is important to our spouse.

When a husband and wife are committed to loving each other well, unilateral decisions by the husband will be rare or even non-existent in occurrence.

The Van Dixhoorns’ point in Gospel-Shaped Marriage about “knowing a spouse in order to serve a spouse” is rooted in the commitment to love each other well. We should care deeply about what is important to our spouse, what makes our spouse happy, and what grieves our spouse—both what is uplifting to our spouse and what is soul-crushing. When we want things that our spouse doesn’t want—things that cause our spouse pain—we need to examine ourselves and whether our motives and personal desires are in alignment with Scripture.

When we are at an impasse with our spouse on a matter, instead of trying to persuade or bully our spouse to our way of thinking we should consider how God may be using our spouse’s different view to bless us and guide us in a godly direction—to keep us on a right path and away from destructive choices. I remember a godly man who had been married for over thirty years saying that he couldn’t recall one time in his marriage where he had to make a unilateral decision because his wife and he always worked together to determine what was best in any given situation.

To understand biblical passages about submission in marriage properly, it’s helpful to keep in mind the order God has established in the marital union.

If we go back to the biblical passages on wifely submission and husbandly headship, we should consider that a key aspect of wifely submission is respect for one’s husband, and more specifically, staying within the boundaries God has given women in his design for order in marriage and the church. Women should not be going around in public flaunting cultural dress norms as some of the women were doing in Greco-Roman society when the apostle Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 11; they should not be speaking authoritatively in the church service (1 Cor. 14; 1 Tim. 2:12-14); and they should not be usurping the authority of their husbands (Eph. 5:22-24; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1-6).

When we approach the above Bible passages in terms of order, recognizing that all godly authority is to be grounded in Christ-like love for one another, we will avoid the sinful error of viewing godly submission and authority in marriage within the sinful, destructive framework of power and oppression.

Women in abusive marriages should seek help from the church and civil authorities.

A godly husband will want his wife to flourish; he will want her to excel in godly character; he will want her to enjoy him. He will strive to love his wife, honor her, cherish her, and be willing to give his life for her. Grievously, it happens that a wife may find herself in an abusive marriage. Bearing quietly under the abuse, as many Christian women have been wrongly taught to do, is not God’s design for marriage, nor does it help one’s husband to be a godly man.

When a woman reaches out to her church leadership about abuse taking place in her marriage, her words must be taken seriously and with respect. It takes incredible courage for a woman to speak up as she or someone she knows may face retribution for bringing the problem to light. By reaching out, a woman may very well be risking her own physical, emotional, and spiritual safety and that of all others connected to the matter. Brushing her off or devaluing her concerns, hoping the problem will go away or be resolved on its own, should not ever happen. When male leadership places the “problem” with the woman’s behavior and the “solution” with her need to change, they are not protecting the woman as “the weaker vessel” (1 Pet. 3:7).

It cannot be stated enough that male headship in marriage isn’t an autocratic endeavor. Christian men are accountable to the Lord, their church leadership, and the civil authorities for how they lead their family. It is essential for church leadership to proactively take a solid biblical stand on what is expected of husbands in their congregation in regard to loving, Christ-like male headship and to instruct and guide men on what it means to be a godly man and live it out in daily life.

A posture of submission should “inform and shape” all our relationships as believers—including any authority we have in those relationships.

In summary, in a godly Christian marriage we don’t necessarily perceive the authority structure because both spouses are “other-focused,” always seeking, yet sometimes failing, to love each other well. As Chad Van Dixhoorn points out in a recent Desiring God article regarding Ephesians 5:21 (“submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ”) and the apostle Paul’s instructions that follow the verse:

It is clear from what follows that the general duty of submitting to one another does not swallow up the particular duties that are described at the end of Ephesians 5 and the beginning of Ephesians 6. For example, masters and parents do not abandon their positions of authority with servants and children because of this mutual submission.

And yet, this posture of submitting “to one another out of reverence for Christ” does inform and shape these relationships. Take Ephesians 6:1–4: since children are to honor their parents, parents are not to exasperate their children in the manner in which they call them to obedience. There is asymmetry between parent and child, and yet also reciprocity. (“Outdo One Another: The Dynamics of a Distinctly Christian Marriage”)

How authority is exercised matters—greatly—and godly submission is a joy where authority is focused on imitating Christ in his sacrificial love for the church. The Christian wife has an incredibly high calling, and she needs God’s provision and the support of her husband and the church in fulfilling it. May believers have grace for each other in their marriages, always seeking to help each other fulfill their responsibilities as wives and husbands as they strive to honor Christ in their love for each other.

In part four of this series, I will cover the topic of teamwork in marriage.

Related Articles:

• Godly Authority: How to Have a Mostly “Functionally Egalitarian” Marriage (Part 2)

• “Choose Wisely”: How to Have a Mostly “Functionally Egalitarian” Marriage (Part 1)

• 6 Ways a Christian Husband Cherishes His Wife

• What Is Mutual Submission and How Does It Apply to Marriage?

• 3 Ways the Gospel Brings Harmony to Your Marriage

• Q & A: 10 Important Aspects of Submission and Authority in a Christian Marriage

Recommended:

Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints by Chad Van Dixhoorn and Emily Van Dixhoorn

Notes:

[1] Claire Smith, God's Good Design: What the Bible Really Says about Men and Women (Kingsford: Matthias Media, 2012), 173-174; see also D. Bloesch, “Donald Bloesch Responds,” in Evangelical Theology in Transition: Theologians in Dialogue with Donald Bloesch, ed. E. M. Colyer (Downers Grove: IVP, 1999), 207.

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