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How does a person make and keep friends? Well, there are at least two parts to this. First you have to meet someone, and second you have to become part of that person's life.
After you say hello, what's next?
One of the things I remember being difficult as a child was introducing myself to other strange children. It was very uncomfortable. Probably many adults can relate to this feeling. After you say hello, what's next? Thankfully, I had parents who encouraged me in this skill and later in the skill of making "small talk." And even before our family had lessons in conversation, God used an occurrence to encourage me to at least step out of my comfort zone and say "hello."
I remember visiting a church as a child with my family, and none of the children talked to me. It was the worst feeling ever. Afterward I determined that I would not let that happen to others who visited my church. The Lord used that terrible experience to give me compassion for others and the courage to introduce myself to new people.
Looking for the "lost" and seeking them out is what Christ does to us.
Meeting someone is the first step in making a friend. If you are shy or uncomfortable around new people, sometimes a good starting point is finding someone else who looks left out and lonely and focusing on serving them. This can help you forget how awkward you feel. Looking for the "lost" and seeking them out is what Christ does to us. He came from his place of comfort to serve the lost and make them friends of God:
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Phil. 2:5-8)
Perhaps we image such humility just a little when we step out of our comfort zone to show kindness and serve someone else who looks alone.
Being a friend involves become a part of someone's life.
But what does making and keeping a friend look like? One important thing to remember about being a friend is that you come to know a person, and that happens best when you become a part of that person's life: spending time with that person and conversing with that person, interacting on many different levels and in different situations with him or her.
With our easy access to Facebook friends, perhaps we have lost the art of spending actual time in person with other human beings. We seek interaction through a screen rather than setting up a trip to the local garden nursery to pick out plants, meet at a park, walk on the beach, or have a meal with others. We would rather chat in online "rooms" and "groups" than physically show up to share coffee with another person and visit. We make a perfect curated online presence so our "friends" can see it and then perhaps dread the thought of someone popping over to our house unexpectedly for coffee or a chat because, dare I say it, our home might not be quite as perfect as it looks online?
Creating an environment of doing life with others is how friendships are made and kept.
Making a friend is so much more than what is presented through social media. I might "like" the picture of your family at the park swinging, but that's completely different than sharing in your life: talking with you, laughing along with you, perhaps sharing our struggles and challenges of the week as we are at the park together.
Creating an environment of doing life with others is how friendships are made and kept, not just spending time together but also sharing interests, activities, and ideas. It seems as though we've forgotten how even to function without the screen and nurture life with other humans. Try actually living with others, inviting them into your life, and asking to be part of theirs. You may be surprised how many people are just waiting for your invitation.
This article is adapted from “Making and Keeping Friends” in BCL’s July 2022 monthly newsletter.
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Made for Friendship: The Relationship That Halves Our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys by Drew Hunter
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