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I have been a pastor for over a decade now and can say that one of the things I was most unprepared for was traversing the exhilarating and challenging landscape of friendship. The exhilarating part of friendship as a pastor is enjoying the celebrations in people’s lives and even being a part of the difficult times in their lives. Yet, hands down the most difficult part of friendship for me as a pastor is attempting to figure out this conundrum: Are people in my congregation my friend because they enjoy me, or are they my friend because I’m their pastor?
As a member of a church you may have never thought through that question, but I guarantee your pastor has. And the primary reason he has is because he has been deeply wounded and rejected by those whom he thought were his friends. This may occur because a church member doesn’t get what he or she wants from the local church community, so the blame immediately goes to the pastor. It may be because as a shepherd the pastor confronts a habitual sin pattern in a member’s life, only to be rejected. Or oftentimes, our consumeristic culture pulls people away from their local church to a flashier place of worship, leaving the pastor wondering what happened.
The consequences of these situations are not just confusing, but they also can lead to a pastor building walls to protect himself from this happening again and again. I have noticed myself go through seasons of being open to new friendships and then pendulum-swinging to building walls to guard my heart from getting used and rejected again. I thought it would be helpful to list some ways pastors think through friendship in hopes of creating better expectations for church members.
Your pastor is not primarily a pastor.
First and foremost, your pastor is an image-bearer of God. He is human just like you. He wakes up weary a lot of mornings, has insecurities, and he reads the Bible and prays by faith just like you. He has a story with evidences of God’s grace all over his life but also has wounds and doubts. He is a follower of Jesus who has been called to be a pastor, but his primary identity is a child of God who is in Christ. He wrestles with this identity just like you, not just when he pastors, but even on his days off when he is loving his wife and kids, balancing the budget, fighting through depression, and trying to plan for the future.
Your pastor has limits.
Early on in ministry I was floored by all the weddings, births, birthday parties, etc. I got to be a part of. But over time a strange guilt started to set in that our family could not afford to buy gifts and pay for dinners proportionally to our invitations. As much of a joy it is to be a part of these celebrations, who else in the church gets invited to every single thing like this, which especially applies to wives of pastors as well. I think they sometimes have a harder time because expectations for them are high, and there is no biblical call upon them.
Your pastor does have friends.
I remember one time I had to look a man in the face and tell him I could not be his friend. As a people-pleaser that was hard to say. I had recently come to realize I could not be friends with everyone. When I say “friend,” I mean someone who knows me and I know them at a deeper level than an acquaintance due to shared time, shared vulnerability, and a shared purpose. What this means is that the pastor who has friends can, at best, have two-to-three close friends and actually function as a friend. This also means that a pastor can love the people in his congregation, but there is no way in all reality to be friends with everyone. It is good to remind ourselves of the expectations we have for our own capacities for friendship and apply those to our pastor as well.
Your pastor needs Jesus.
My best friend has been so consistent over the years treating me like a human. Yet, he doesn’t compromise on what initially made us friends—pointing me to the greatest friend of all (John 15:13). He has confronted me on my sin issues and has let me do the same with him. We have united over the joys of being new creations (2 Cor. 5:17) and also grieved over the losses and insecurities we carry. I have never felt I needed to take off the pastor hat and put on the friend hat with him; they both seem to naturally work together. In doing so, I have found friendship to be what Drew Hunter calls, “The relationship that halves our sorrows and doubles our joys.”[1]
Pastors need to have wide-open hearts to friendship.
To be hurt by friendship is unavoidable in a fallen world. In 2 Corinthians 6 Paul has this list of beautiful and truthful paradoxes in the Christian life. There is this little phrase that has freed me from building walls because of failed friendships through the years. In the first part of verse 9 he writes, “as unknown, and yet well known.” Paul is saying that he is often unknown by other image-bearers but well known by the Triune God who created him, redeemed him, and is present with him.
A few verses later, though, Paul shows the Corinthians a type of friendship that seems beyond our understanding. He writes,
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also. (2 Cor. 6:11-13)
If you read this passage in the context of the whole epistle, the Corinthians have seriously hurt Paul in a relational sense. Most people would cut off these people. And this is where the pastor and friendship come together as Paul makes clear he has not built any walls towards them. His heart is wide open. Or as my friend Benji would say, “Paul has on his Gospel stretch pants.”[2]
The question is, how can Paul endure such hurt and pain and still keep a wide-open heart? Well, he is not the first to do so. When Paul was a persecutor of the church, Jesus Christ brought him into friendship with him. Jesus didn’t wait to initiate friendship with Paul until Paul cleaned his life up. No, Jesus appears to Paul (Saul) and says, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting” (Acts 9:5). As the story unfolds, the persecutor of the church becomes well known by Jesus and takes the good news of his Savior’s life, death, resurrection, and ascension to the world. In doing so, friendships are created around the death of the friend who gave his life to all who were his (John 15:13).
In closing, friendship truly is a gift. Your pastor needs friends but is also limited. If Jesus is a friend to you, be a friend to others. Guard yourself from placing unrealistic expectations on your pastor that you yourself couldn’t carry. He is a human who is called to shepherd you through the Word and Prayer. He needs your prayers, and you can be sure he has spent many hours taking your needs and concerns before the True and Greater Friend, the Lord Jesus Christ.
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Wes Van Fleet is a pastor at Kaleo Church in El Cajon, California, and editor-at-large for Beautiful Christian Life.
[1] Drew Hunter, Made For Friendship (Wheaton: Crossway, 2018).
[2] Benji Magness, “When the Gospel Wears Stretchy Pants,” sermon given on 5-23-21 at Grace Santa Maria Church.
Recommended:
Made for Friendship: The Relationship That Halves Our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys by Drew Hunter
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